Friday, February 20, 2009

under the weight of guilt

these past two weeks have been utter and complete sickness around our house. first i had the crud, then my kids both came down with the stomach bug and the cold. it has been a long two week and when you throw a job in on top of it all it is completely different for me than in years past. i have struggled this week with a guilt that i cannot seem to get out of my head. since this is my first time back to work since kids, it has been a new experience for me. i feel guilty that i am forcing them to take some tylenol and go to school, when really they should be at home. i feel guilty that as i was rushing my kids out the door one morning, sydnie was crying and asking me why i was sending her to school when she did not feel good. turns out she had a 102 fever and i had no choice, but to take her to school, put her in the sickroom until my MIL could come and get her. i feel guilty that i have had to miss so much work (5 days!!!). and i feel guilty that i feel guilty. lol.

i know that it will ease up and i have to realize that honestly, i am still their mom and i still need to be there for my kids. sometimes there is nothing more i can do, but stay home with them. i know that my work understands, especially after noah threw up at school. but i am having a hard time reconciling it. it is growing out of my mothers mentality about raising kids and growing into my own.

i think it comes down to the fact that i really want to do my best and if i am not at work i cannot do that. i also do not want to jeopordize my job, i love my job, i want to keep my job. it also is finding that balance between myself and my kids. my job and their lives. it is a year of new discoveries and we have all grown from it. just thought i would be honest about how i have felt, new experiences and also just a release of it, so that i can go on. there i feel better already.


imacootie said...

I can certainly sympathize with you here, being as we've had the crud in and out of the house for the past 3wks, going on 4. I've had to miss some work and I've felt horribly guilty about it (especially since I just started). I guess I just keep telling myself, I'm a Mom first. Obviously they have to be my first priority. I was, thankfully, able to have Bree watch Bryn a few days. And work was very understanding. Don't beat yourself up over it, nothing you can do. I'm hoping the vitamins and anti-bacterial hand wash will help keep us germ free for awhile now. haha! Hang in there!