last weekend i was able to go to women's camp up at Tadmor...the speaker was Robin Jones Gunn, a funny, witty and touching speaker. I have read many of her books and this weekend God was able to use her message to touch my heart. The last year and a half have been extremely difficult for me to navigate. Many events have transpired in that time, some good some bad and it left me with a huge gaping hole and a bitter spirit. While in the midst of all the events I turned to God and felt that I had used His strength to get through...but somewhere along the way I stopped and it came to my attention these last few months that i have been cynical and bitter and I was so tired of living that way. Anger built up, not directed at any one person but at all events. I felt myself wanting to break free....but not ready to give up the anger yet. I felt it was justified anger....I should be angry because of this, I should feel free to be mad at that person or their actions. Look at what has happened to my family because of one person's sin. Look at what has happened to my husband, I want our marriage partnership back. I want to know that he is dealing with his grief as well. I know that grief is acted out in many forms....it takes a course, it takes time, it takes true healing to move beyond it. I needed to break these bonds and in God's timing I was finally able to release the anger, cynicism and bitter spirit. All because in God's time I was at tadmor listening to a speaker who talked about letting go of what was holding you back, being able to move out of that gilded bird cage, feel your feet at the edge of the cage and then release and take flight......let your spirit soar. So after bawling my head off for a half an hour I was able to talk to a wise women who lifted our family up in prayer and has commited to praying for us.....to talk to God and ask for healing and wisdom. For repair and release. For stronger bonds and a sense of family again. For healing with extended family and God honoring relationships. For the first time in awhile I find myself actually laughing...joy has entered my heart again and I feel at peace. I know that this only comes from the release and God taking control. It is amazing that no matter how much I wanted to not fall into this, to not experience the negativity that comes from certain events, I did it anyway. But that from it my character has grown, my love for God has grown and maturity was attained. And now I don't have gray hairs growing in faster than I can clip them....come on I am only 37!!! I feel the laughter bubbling in my soul, I feel compassion again, I feel my Saviour taking hold of my soul and it feels good. Thank you to my friends who have understood my pain and stuck with me, even though I am sure there were times you wanted to put me in the looney bin. Without your love and support and honesty....I might still be stuck in angryville. I was able to express my hurt and pain to you and you listened, instead of pretending that everything was fine all the time. God put you in my life for reasons that we can never understand, but that He has proven through this last year. whew......that feels good to write it down. let it go. let it go. let it go.