under the weight of guilt

these past two weeks have been utter and complete sickness around our house. first i had the crud, then my kids both came down with the stomach bug and the cold. it has been a long two week and when you throw a job in on top of it all it is completely different for me than in years past. i have struggled this week with a guilt that i cannot seem to get out of my head. since this is my first time back to work since kids, it has been a new experience for me. i feel guilty that i am forcing them to take some tylenol and go to school, when really they should be at home. i feel guilty that as i was rushing my kids out the door one morning, sydnie was crying and asking me why i was sending her to school when she did not feel good. turns out she had a 102 fever and i had no choice, but to take her to school, put her in the sickroom until my MIL could come and get her. i feel guilty that i have had to miss so much work (5 days!!!). and i feel guilty that i feel guilty. lol.

i know that it will ease up and i have to realize that honestly, i am still their mom and i still need to be there for my kids. sometimes there is nothing more i can do, but stay home with them. i know that my work understands, especially after noah threw up at school. but i am having a hard time reconciling it. it is growing out of my mothers mentality about raising kids and growing into my own.

i think it comes down to the fact that i really want to do my best and if i am not at work i cannot do that. i also do not want to jeopordize my job, i love my job, i want to keep my job. it also is finding that balance between myself and my kids. my job and their lives. it is a year of new discoveries and we have all grown from it. just thought i would be honest about how i have felt, new experiences and also just a release of it, so that i can go on. there i feel better already.