20 years

i have been debating about this post for a couple of days. it is fairly personal, but that is what blogging is about and the reason i started this blog....to journal. so here goes.

as you see from the previous post, i had a great time the other night. but it was quite a stretch for me. it has been 19 years and 11 months since i have teepee'd a house. as that anniversary draws near, i have been reflecting quite a bit on what my life would have been like had i not been involved or had it been me instead.

i was 18 years old, fresh out of high school and most of my friends had left town for college. there were a couple of us still around and we decided to go out and have fun one night. we ran into roths and said hi to my brother and bought toilet paper, laughing that in the morning we would be famous for the tp job we were about to do. we drove to a friends house in albany, two cars full of teenagers living life to the fullest. We were stupid and careless and we had nothing to fear. I cannot even remember know if we actually used the toilet paper? That is not what sticks out in my mind. what i remember is the horrible sound of metal and twirling taillights, slow motion, rushing to get out of the car, not being able to move once we were out, the smell of smoke, the screams that were trapped in our heads. the sirens, the lights, the firetrucks....the knowledge that there was nothing we could do for our friends. 3 teenagers lost in the prime of their lives. gathering at the hospital, but our friends were not taken there. they would never again walk on this earth. but they were in the arms of the saviour, safe and warm and in no pain.

when i am out late at night and i see lights from an emergency vehicle, my hearts stops a little. it takes me back to that night. i cannot believe that it has been almost 20 years. i can still hear the eulogies and feel the pain as "friends" was sang at every funeral. i have not been to the graves for quite awhile, i used to go and cry and just be. but somehow, someway God provided me the ability to move on. the other night was not even a big deal. as we discussed plans to tp, my heart stopped for a few minutes......but i knew i was okay. that those memories cannot hold me back anymore, that i could take flight from that horrible night. my heart rejoiced a little in that knowledge and i survived. ready for the next adventure, not realizing that my heart had been on hold for several years. waiting for another tp adventure, with laughs this time.